This morning I woke up fighting with the image in the mirror.
A critical voice in my head began attacking my body - the extra fat around my stomach and hips, the meat on my thighs, the roundness of my face, the color of my skin, my messy hair in the back of my head from the undercut I decided to grow out that is still in its awkward phase...
I had all these thoughts this morning as I was getting ready to walk out the door, frustrated at the tightness of my shorts around my ass, and thinking back to what I ate yesterday with a guilty conscience.
I couldn't find clothes that felt good, so I put on those shorts that were too tight and a big comfy t-shirt to hide my curves popping out, and told myself that at least I feel comfy and even if I'm not the prettiest today, maybe it's better than getting too much attention anyways...
I looked myself over one more time in the mirror before leaving the house, and then I caught my own eye. In an instant, I was overcome with the feeling of sadness that I had allowed these body-shaming thoughts again.
Still looking myself in the eyes, I whispered I'm sorry, I love you, please forgive me, to the body in front of me - to the one who has always been there for me no matter what, is always fighting for my health and my vitality, who's carried me this far, and who will continue to carry me for the rest of my life.
My body-love journey has been a long road.
I remember when I was 13 and I looked in the mirror and for the first time called myself fat. This moment began a season in my life where for the next few years, I developed compulsive weight loss habits. I downloaded a calorie counting app and tracked everything I ate, I let myself go hungry a lot of the time, I worked out obsessively, and I weighed myself three times a day. It went on like this throughout the rest of my high school years. I would celebrate when I lost weight - and I would cry and self-harm when I gained even just a pound.
I've grown a lot since then, and through the years I've explored several different eating lifestyles, I saw a nutritionist and eating-disorder counselor, and I've done a lot of work around intuitive eating and allowing my body to feel safe and free.
I'm now 28, and from the outside looking in, it may seem like I'm healthy, confident, and no longer struggle with any of this. I no longer track my calories or monitor what I eat. I no longer weigh myself (I don't even own a scale), and I no longer compulsively "fast" or starve myself. In addition, I'd say my workout routine is pretty moderate - no longer obsessive (I'm a hiking tour guide so I enjoy a healthy, fun way of exercising regularly).
So again, on the outside, everything seems better than it used to be. Yet, sometimes I still catch myself being a bitch to the one in the mirror - putting my body down when I should be speaking to it with love.
I know this. And when I look at other people, I see so much beauty - in fact, I LOVE helping others see the beauty in themselves, no matter what they look like or what phase of life they're in. But when it comes to me and my own body, there are times when I still fall back into my old habits.
The good news is that this is a practice, which means that whenever I fall off track with my body-positivity routine, I can always gently bring myself back. I'm the only one who can truly give my body the encouragement it needs, and today is a new day. Hell, this moment is a new fucking moment.
And when I stop and think about it, I remember my body is amazing! As I'm writing this, I'm overcome with an insane appreciation for this vessel that is always here for me, and who does so much for me on the daily - for all the times it's healed itself from every sickness and injury, for how it allows me to go on so many fun adventures, express myself, and have so many wonderful moments. I love my body, I really truly do. I just forget sometimes...and that's okay. I know my body is forgiving, and that it loves me no matter what.
It's empowering to know that can I accept myself right now as I am, and then if I still want to see a change, my body can be sculpted through inspired action, and not hateful force.
If you are struggling to accept your body, this is a reminder that there is nothing wrong with you, and that you are so gorgeous, right here in this moment. Your curves, your skin, your smile, your hair, your laugh lines, your wrinkles, and every part of you, are PERFECT. :)
Try giving yourself some compliments in the mirror today, especially to those parts of you that you sometimes see as ugly, and watch how they start to shine before your eyes - because you're now seeing yourself through the lens of love (and that is the secret to instantly beautifying everything).
It starts with appreciating yourself right now as you are, and then if you want to make good-feeling changes later on, you absolutely can. Health is not just about the physical, but the mental and emotional too. The more you speak loving words to your body, the more it will trust you, and transform before your eyes. Try it and see!
- Sarah
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Note From Me:
*As I reflect back on experiences I’ve had throughout my life, I find that it brings me great joy to put them into words - to voice what I’ve been through, and to also express any insights learned from each one. Sharing stories seems to satisfy this inner yearning to leave my mark - and at the very least, it always leaves me feeling lighter and more true to myself. So that is why I write, and my intention is to uplift, entertain, and maybe even inspire others to share their own experiences with the world. We all have a story.
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