For artists, expressing ourselves is vital—it’s as necessary to our creative systems as breathing, drinking water, and eating nourishing food is to our bodies.
This may sound like an over-exaggeration, but I think (in general), artists are more dramatic than others—that's what makes art so alluring. We experience life, feel emotions, and in order to process what we feel, we channel it into some form of creation. It’s a beautiful rhythm when the flow is running smoothly. However, when it’s not, it can be rough. I know this from experience.
I’m an artist—always have been. As a kid, my favorite pass time was crafting with various materials and making big messes with all my supplies—this was the ultimate fun. I drew, colored, collaged, snipped and glued, molded with clay, etc. It didn’t take long before my crafting experiments led me to painting. I soon gravitated towards acrylic-on-canvas art and I didn’t look back.
Over the years I’ve made many paintings—some just for me, some for family members and friends, some for collections to hang in restaurants and cafes. I even did a few mural paintings—what started with me painting my bedroom walls soon became creating a mural for my school’s gymnasium, then later painting a few murals around the world (two in Maui and one in the Philippines). Art, especially painting, has always been a powerful way for me to silence the voice in my head, enter into a trance-like state, and express my life experiences. I think one of my favorite parts is looking down at my hands and clothes and seeing them covered with colorful splotches—yes I still enjoy making messes in the name of free expression.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that I go through seasons with my creative flow, and that there are other forms of expression that long to be channeled. I go through alternating seasons of painting, writing, content creation, music, baking (making art out of food), creative house projects, dancing & more. Basically I’ve found that I’m most healthy when I’m in some sort of expressive flow, no matter what it looks like.
There have been times in my life, though, where I’ve very much been out of this flow—where I entered into major “blocked artist” states—and these were never much fun.
One such period was a recent two year season where I stopped creating entirely. Reflecting back on this time, I now see that it was because I allowed myself to be consumed by such extreme levels of fear and self-doubt that I felt paralyzed. This led to an experience that I can only describe as feeling like a black hole. I was a consumer of life experiences but there was no output—only mindless intake and then suppression.
It was actually all because of this platform, Savarah Studio, because for many years I had this idea in my heart, but I knew that it would be the most vulnerable and raw creative project I would ever embark on—and I was terrified. I succumbed to the fear of rejection, judgement, abandonment, fear of the unknown, fear of my own self-doubt and inner critic, etc. I was blocked, and I was so over-powered by these emotions that I pushed them all down and became a numb shell of a person. I abandoned the cry of my creativity, and I entered into a period of full blown survival mode—living in stress and never feeling safe. In this darkness I fought just to make it through each day.
As I write about this now, man does this sounds hyper dramatic. But fuck—that’s how it felt. I was literally paralyzed with fear for two whole years. I was depressed and I hated my life. I had lost my joy and my spark entirely. Fear is the ultimate destroyer, especially for an artist. But you know what is the ultimate savior?
Love.
Not to sound too wishy-washy, but it was love that saved me. In my darkest moments, the voice of love entered the scene—inspired me to wake up, to take a look at my life and what it had become, and to choose another way. This voice was my inner guidance (some artists call it their inner muse) and she helped raise me back up to my feet, and I slowly started to walk again.
It's been a long journey to heal my self-abandonment, and I honestly owe this progress to some helpers along the way. Besides my inner voice, there was someone else who supported me. She was a friend of mine, and one day I got inspired to ask her to be my business coach—to help me work through all of the fears that had been holding me back for so long and to regain my creative power. She said yes.
Turns out my friend not only had experience in business coaching, but she had a copy of "The Artist’s Way—A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity," by Julia Cameron. I ordered a copy for myself too, and we started working together through the book soon after. We stretched the lessons out into a six month journey, and if you’ve never heard of this book, basically it’s a profound excavation through your heart and soul. It’s designed to help blocked artists get back into their flow, while teaching them lasting tools to remain there. So in short, this was exactly what I needed.
It’s now almost the end of our sixth month journey working together with this book, and through many days of reading, free-journaling, executing creative and adventurous tasks, answering insightful questions, having meaningful soul-aligned discussions, and enduring the surfacing of many forgotten emotions, I can proudly say that I am back. My full creative, beautiful, shining, glorious self is back!
I faced so much of my bullshit and delved so far into my darkness—bringing it to light—that I found it has no more power. I’ve been loving myself through every fear, building my self-trust back up again, and creating strategies for when the voices of self-doubt and criticism come knocking on the doors of my mind—and I’ve been making some amazing creations as a result of all this inner work.
I feel like I’ve been riding a creative tidal wave, because lately all these ideas have been pouring through me and I’ve been expressing myself in beautiful ways almost every day—you know the type of ideas that wake you up early in the morning and you jump out of bed because you're so alive with inspiration? That's how it's been, and I'm so unbelievably grateful for it.
I made this platform, and I’ve been designing my website, writing blog posts, sanctuary entries, newsletters, making social media content, drafting my first product collection, and outlining my first book—which I’m intending to have completed by this time next year. It seems painting has taken a backseat for now—to make space for some other gifts to flow through—but it’ll be back, I promise. I trust my creative seasons.
I am so amazed when I look back on these few months and the transformation that has occurred. I loved myself to life again. Yes I had some help, but no one did the work for me. I found myself again because I decided that I couldn't live another day in repression. I’m an artist, and I need to be free.
If you resonate with this story and you’ve been through a similar experience, or maybe you’re feeling stuck and you’re finally ready to admit to yourself that you’re ready for change, just know that you are never too far gone. Right now in this moment, you have the power inside of you—the love that meets you exactly where you are, and that adores you enough to help raise you back up to your fullest joy and freedom. All you gotta do is find your muse. Take this as a sign—it’s time.
~Sarah
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Note From Me:
*As I reflect back on experiences I’ve had throughout my life, I find that it brings me great joy to put them into words - to voice what I’ve been through, and to also express any insights learned from each one. Sharing stories seems to satisfy this inner yearning to leave my mark - and at the very least, it always leaves me feeling lighter and more true to myself. So that is why I write, and my intention is to uplift, entertain, and maybe even inspire others to share their own experiences with the world. We all have a story.
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