I always knew I was a little different.
When I was a child, I used to go into the woods by myself, lean against a tree, and feel the spirit of the land beneath me—see the energy pulsating all around. In silence I would hear the wisdom of the forest. Other days I journeyed down to the river to draw with sticks in the mud, and spent time with the rushing water, who felt like a friend. Maybe as a creative kid I just had an active imagination, but I always got this sense like I wasn't quite “normal.”
I had a very strong connection with nature from an early age, and it felt almost supernatural—like there was a power greater than me that was expressing itself through the elemental world all around me. For a child it was deemed okay to have imaginary friends, but as I got older, not so much. As time went on, and I was still hearing voices, seeing spirit beings out in nature, and communicating with the nonphysical realm—I was afraid of being judged so I kept quiet about it all.
Growing up in a conservative, religious community, I learned that if I hid parts of myself, I would be accepted, and if I was accepted then I would be loved. I was really drawn to the idea of an almighty creator who's love is unconditional and never-ending, someone bigger and stronger and wiser—someone we could look to and have faith in when life got rough. I even loved the idea of a savior/spiritual guru who supports you along the way. This all seemed beautiful and this was the belief system I was born into.
What wasn’t accepted, though, was talking to spirit/ nature beings outside of a christ-centered relationship. And also what was highly shunned was being gay—which I realized at an early age that I was (I actually consider myself pan—open to all types of people, but I just happened to lean more towards girls), and this of course, was an abomination in the community I was raised in.
So while I had this powerful hunger for light and spiritual connection, I felt highly unsafe in my environment within my church community and my household. I felt like I had to hide my spirituality and my sexuality in order to not be punished by the people around me and by the deity that they served.
So I suppressed myself entirely. I became a good, quiet, obedient girl who was highly devoted to the church. I attended services twice a week, sometimes more when I was involved on the worship team—singing and playing piano. I read the bible so much that I pretty much had it memorized, and I had a devotional routine every morning, reading things like “Battlefield of the Mind,” and a “Purpose Driven Life,” (mind you, I was in middle school at this time—I was destined to be a lightworker from an early age).
This submissive, obedient phase lasted until I was 16. I remember it quite clearly—first I got so depressed that I started self-harming, and so I got put in therapy and was told to take antidepressants, which I tried for a few months, but it just didn’t feel right. Ultimately I told them no more—I quit therapy and the medication and this began the phase of my rebellion. 16 years old—it was like a full 180 spin. Suddenly I didn’t know who I was or what I believed in, but I knew I wouldn’t find it in the church, so I left. I was angry at everything and everyone. It was like all my suppressed childhood feelings were rising to the surface and I could not control it. I started smoking weed and trying psychedelics, started dating boys (I was still in denial) and having sex, staying out late, and doing everything I was not supposed to. I started exploring all these different belief systems and ways of thinking. I started researching all other places around the world and making travel plans. On the outside it probably looked like I was going crazy, but at least I wasn't depressed no more.
Looking back this was a real big time of expansion for me. And just two years later, when I was 18, I set out on my first travel journey. I was hungry for adventure, and I was still seeking to find myself spiritually too. This hunger led me from my home state, Maine, all the way across the country and over the ocean, to Maui. I instantly realized that this island was different than where I grew up—in many ways—but one of the biggest things I picked up on was the culture, and how the people out here are still deeply rooted in nature, whereas other parts of the world have become more modernized/ disconnected. I felt like I fit here. I felt like I could be me here.
A few years later I actually returned back to the church community in my adult life (maybe a part of me had some unfinished business there). Others could see that I had this hunger for light and they called me anointed. I was involved in many different volunteer groups, worship nights, and group sessions—I pretty much lived and breathed with this community for about a year, and I got really deep in my faith.
And then life threw a curveball, and everything changed. I turned 21, I went on a church volunteer trip to the Philippines and then when I came back…I met a girl.
I got this job at a health food store called “Alive and Well,” working in the smoothie bar, and one of my coworker’s names was Sie. Long story short, we clicked and ended up getting together. It was a wild and beautiful love story, but it surfaced a lot of inner turmoil for me. Because of where I was at the time, still part of the church, I felt torn. Ultimately, I left the church because I knew I wasn’t accepted there for my lifestyle choice and this really fucked me up for a while because I felt like God didn’t love me. This inevitably led to another wild transformation/awakening season where I rediscovered myself and my identity yet again.
It took a few more years, but I finally came to a place of accepting myself for who I love, and for what I believe in. It’s been 7 ½ years, Sie and I are still together—going strong—and I haven’t been back to the church since. I’ve even met some amazing like-minded souls who have helped guide me along my journey—who help me feel seen and heard and loved for who I am.
I’ve also come to a point where I accept myself and my gifts—my abilities to see and communicate with other beings who are in nonphysical form. For me, it’s just natural and allowing it just makes my life brighter and more fun. I see these beings as aspects of consciousness, love, and life.
I don’t belong to any religion or set belief system, but I do have my own set of ideas that resonate with me. I see this big almighty power as someone (or something) that is within us, within everything in the world, and in the universe as a whole. It shines through the trees, the land, the animals, and the waters. It speaks through you and me. There are many names for this, and the ones I resonate with are Spirit, Creator, Source, Love Force…etc. (call it whatever feels good for you). But I think my biggest and strongest belief at this point is that each person has a right to decide for themselves what they believe, and that just because two people see things differently, it doesn’t make either of them wrong. I grew up feeling like there was only ONE WAY to live, and now I see that it is more than okay to find your own way. There's infinite paths to the top of the mountain.
If you find peace and joy in religion, that’s amazing. If you resonate with some ideas from a bunch of different cultures and you put them together to form your own belief system—beautiful. If you don’t believe in any higher power at all, that’s cool too. For me, all is accepted, as long as it’s centered in love.
Wherever you’re at in your spiritual journey, and whatever you believe in, just know that it’s your right to have your own ideas. You’re free to live how you want to live, love who you want to love, think how you want to think, and be who you want to be. Ultimately, I think if there is an eternal force out there, it just wants us to love each other, respect this planet we call home, do our best to care for everything on it, and enjoy this wild ride we call life. That’s my idea anyways. What do you think?
~Sarah
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Note From Me:
*As I reflect back on experiences I’ve had throughout my life, I find that it brings me great joy to put them into words - to voice what I’ve been through, and to also express any insights learned from each one. Sharing stories seems to satisfy this inner yearning to leave my mark - and at the very least, it always leaves me feeling lighter and more true to myself. So that is why I write, and my intention is to uplift, entertain, and maybe even inspire others to share their own experiences with the world. We all have a story.
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